Honouring Bertie
Each and every service is special and important. But every now and then, one will stay with you for one reason or another.
In late 2020 I was asked to conduct the funeral service for a much-loved man who died suddenly in his mid-forties. He was a colourful character, a flamboyant Drag Queen - and his family wanted something memorable that would suit his gregarious personality.
Before I knew it, I was agreeing to write a funeral eulogy in rhyming couplets!
I learnt the words by heart, and on the day of the service, which was unique and special in so many ways, I gave it my all. Well, everyone there applauded wildly, and I was given a standing ovation - I've never experienced anything like it before.
The eulogy is printed below with kind permission of Bertie's Mum, Monica.
THE BALLAD OF BERTIE CROWE
I have a sorry tale to share,
A life cut short, t’was so unfair.
Before his years reached forty-seven,
He left this earth and went to heaven.
Dearly beloved…
Welcome to all who are now gathered here,
Family and friends that Bertie held dear.
I see confused faces so let me explain,
At weekends he preferred to be known as Elaine.
His confusion began as a young boy of seven
When dressing up games were like glimpses of heaven,
The lipstick, the rouge and the old powder puff;
Our Bertie, he just could not get enough.
In front of the mirror in Mum’s Sunday best,
Her petticoat softer than his scratchy vest,
Her stilettos, her stockings and all of her fashion;
Then boarding school, and a first tingle of passion.
Coxing the rowing team out on the river,
Their rippling muscles sent him all a-quiver.
Communal showers and sharing a dorm;
He realised, then, ladies’ clothes weren’t the norm.
So, into the closet he pushed Elaine’s dresses
And wore them in private with long curly tresses
That he liked to tie up with pink ribbons and bows,
Completing his outfit with new pantyhose.
His passion for ladies’ attire was expanding,
He practised his feminine walk ‘cross the landing.
His mother caught sight of him one Sunday night;
His baby-doll nightie gave her quite a fright.
An unspoken secret for them it remained
And something that Bertie had never explained.
To support him, his mum bought her clothes in big sizes,
It’s true to say love comes in all different guises.
Shop window dressing was Bertie’s career,
The dresses and lingerie he loved to be near.
One day his boss saw him in mid stocking roll,
It ended his job and left him on the dole.
Poor Bertie was broken, his future was gone.
He felt so alone, didn’t want to go on,
Then he thought of his mother, she’d be left all alone,
So he tried to get better, it was hard on his own.
Depression is awful, his life seemed so bleak.
The kids down the road sometimes called him a freak,
Then he noticed an advert for drag queens one day
And found his true calling in club, ‘Frisco Bay.
Elaine made a comeback, her hair bigger still,
Her glamorous outfits gave Bertie a thrill.
And better than that, he found love with a mister,
A weightlifter called Frank, who came from near Bicester.
Elaine wasn’t hidden, and Frank loved her, too,
Indeed, there was talk of them saying ’I do’.
With Frank, Bertie felt he was finally free
To be true to the man that he wanted to be.
An unlikely pair but their passion was true,
Until a third party came out of the blue.
Frank’s head was turned by a smile at the gym
And Bertie was heartbroken, pining for him.
Life is full of ups and downs,
Bertie invested a few spare pounds
And bought a lottery lucky dip.
He checked the numbers, bit his lip…
His ship came in, the numbers matched,
And so, an escape plan Bertie hatched.
A ticket for a worldwide cruise,
Really, what did he have to lose?
On board Elaine found local fame,
In seventh heaven, what a dame!
Quite soon she’d caught the first mate’s eye
And pledged to give love one more try.
But as Bertie began to again enjoy life,
It turned out his first mate, at home, had a wife
Who’d just given birth to baby number four,
And after him was a cross mother-in-law.
Bertie conceded that men were a pain
And resigned to a life of just him and Elaine,
But before he had a chance to pack
Dear Bertie died from a heart attack.
He leaves behind so many sorrows,
We’re sad he has no more tomorrows
But a brand-new angel has gained his wings
And in God’s heavenly choir he sings.
And so, we gather to honour our friend,
And all our love with him we send.
May dear Bertie and Elaine, together,
Rest in peace, as one, forever.
